THE TALK
by FOXGIRL200
Summary: Jade, in her quest to make sure her sisters remain innocent, decides to give Jo... THE TALK.


Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!

"Are you serious? You're…joking, right? Please…please, for the love of Kit Kats and Pepsi tell me you are screwing with my head!" Jo had been put in the middle of many an awkward situation-she lived with Jade and Tori…awkward had become a way of life by now. But the news she'd just received was…mortifying, embarrassing, humiliating and all out _wrong._

"I have a date tonight, 8 o'clock." Jade said her eyes focused on the reflection of one very irate Jo West. "So I don't have much time. Let's just get this over with, okay?" In all honesty, Jo was debating between hiding under her bed or jumping out of the window…both options seemed viable. Anything to avoid what promised to be very uncomfortable conversation. She was sixteen; most girls her age had already received "The Talk" by that age; many girls had already begun-we won't even get into _that._ Jo however, was nowhere near close to almost ready to take that step in her relationship with August, why was Jade making it such a big deal? Maybe it was one of those older sister things, Jo had no idea. What she _did_ know was that if she didn't shower in the next fifteen minutes, she would be late for her date. She looked over her outfit of choice- black skinny jeans, black wife beater with a plaid button up and black and white converse complete with a brand new black beanie- that she had borrowed from Jess and made her way to the in suite bathroom. Imagine her surprise when a certain pale skinned intruder blocked her path. Jade stood with eyes narrowed and arms crossed,

"I'm serious…we need to talk about this."

"Jadey…I love you, and I appreciate your concern for me." okay, Jo was lying, can you blame her? "But August and I haven't gotten to that particular stage in our relationship. I think we have time for this…discussion later." _Yes…later! Later was an awesome thing! Later…please, God, not right now!_

"Joanne…sit down."

Crap.

"Jade…I'm going to be late meeting August!"

"He can wait." Jade said.

Jo sat on her bed slowly, reluctantly and looked up at Jade as she prepared herself for the world of awkward that the two of them were about to enter. Jade cleared her throat, nervously fidgeting with the pair of scissors that had magically appeared in her hands. Okay…calm down…relax…it was just sex. Jade could handle talking about sex. Jade sighed. Well, here goes nothing…Jo nearly choked on her own spit as the words left Jade's mouth; it was NOT what she had been expecting. At all. But…it was Jade giving the speech, so Jo had expected a bit of…crudeness, hell, she had fully expected there to be pictures and sound effects. But to actually hear the words leave Jade's lips…no amount of therapy could ever erase those words. Jo was…scarred by the end of their discussion. You know what people say about tuning things out or pretending you're somewhere else? Well...now Jo's mind would be too full of inappropriate images of nude bodies doing…things to each other.

Gross...EW…nasty…god, what happened to boys having cooties? Cooties seemed like a very good thing right about now, please…where were cooties when you needed them?

"So, when you don't use a condom, not only will you have to deal with the extra clean up, but the risk of unexpected pregnancy and teenage motherhood."

Jo gulped. "At the risk of regretting this question," because it seemed that Jo regretted every question she asked Jade nowadays, "'extra cleanup'?"

Oh, no…no, no, no, no. no!

If there any young children…I suggest you leave the room…please.

"You, know," Jade said, a smile playing at her lips, "when boys…finish and you get covered in their disgusting, oddly sticky cu-"

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" Jo cried. "Please…just do not finish that sentence!"

"You asked…now then, don't you have a date or something to get ready for?" Jade quickly scurried out of the room, leaving a deeply scarred and shivering Jo to her thoughts.

"I am NEVER having sex…ever!"

XXXX

"I don't want to talk about it…"

"Oh, come on, JoJo! You've been quiet for the entire ride…we're almost to the movie theatre; what could Jade have said that freaked you out so bad?" Jess asked.

"Nothing…nothing at all! You know, I think maybe I'm over thinking things…again. But hey, that's just me! Over think, overreact! But enough about me! How's your life going?"

Well…that was…odd. "Not too different from when I started driving…fifteen minutes ago." Jess had grown to appreciate her younger sister's quirkiness, a trait that seemed more prominent now that Jo had started a relationship with the equally quirky August. Jo was the type of girl to over analyze. She was the type to go have a damn near panic attack over a misplaced library book. To question if she'd really gotten fat with one rude comment…then forget her worries in the same instant. To hell with what some nameless jerk said. The fact that they'd waste their time commenting only proved that despite the negative glares and obvious distain for her behavior, people did pay attention to her…whether they'd admit it of not. Yes, Jo had earned herself quite the reputation over the years. But never in Jess' life had she seen Jo so…out of character.

But…a memory came to Jess. A conversation shared between herself and Jade not too long ago, back when her relationship with Kaiten was still relatively new,

"JoJo…did-did Jade give you "The Talk"?"

XXXX

"Is it your mission to scar those girls for the rest of their natural born lives?"

"Nope…I just want to scar them until they turn thirty-five and move out. THEN they can have sex, marry, and do whatever else they want." Jade said, sipping her coffee.

"You're hopeless…" Tori said. "Please tell me you at least kept it PG…please, Jay. Please?"

"Ummm…about that. I may have mentioned…teenage pregnancies and cleaning up the extra boy juice that happens after sex." Jade said with a speed many people would not believe possible…but Tori understood every word.

"You did WHAT!?"

"I just wanted to prepare her, Tori…you know how it is out in the world." Jade sat back against the couch lazily, sipping her coffee as if all was right with the world. Tori, however, was not so convinced.

"Jadelyn August West…"

"Did you just full name me…again? I feel like we should talk about this."

"Yes I did!" Tori exclaimed. "And there is nothing to talk about. Do you have any idea what you've done? Jo is probably scared to death right now! She may never leave the house again! She may never leave her _room!"_ Tori said.

"I think you are overreacting…I wasn't that graphic." Jade said.

"Remember when you told the girls what happens during their periods?"

"Oh…"

"Yeah…'oh'! Jade…it took the both of us to calm Jess after her almost panic attack! And Jo, poor Jo. I don't think I'll ever forget the face she made when she asked if she was dying…you know, you really should try to sound less…you when explaining certain things, especially to eleven year olds!" Tori sighed; her girlfriend really hadn't changed that much from high school, but…it was Jade's badass attitude (and boobs) that got Tori hooked in the first place. Let's just hope that for the twin's sake, and Tori's sanity, they both went to the doctor for any other explanation on the wonders of the female body…and never, ever, ever, not in this life, the next or whatever came after that, did Jo and Jess decide it a good idea to ask Jade for any advice on anything other than music…wait, scratch that; music was out! Music was definitely out! Tori still had the memory of the "romantic" song Jade had chosen for their sixth anniversary.

Oh…well, that experience had been…interesting. But we'll get into that some other time…or not.

For someone so well versed in the music business, Jade also held some other…interestingly bizarre songs on her IPod.

"Oh…and before I forget…you mention cleaning up the sticky…boy juice. But, you've only ever slept with me…and I am definitely not a boy. So where'd that come from?" Tori asked.

"Ummm…well, you see…I may have rented a few movies to watch while you were away with family a few months ago." Jade, if possible, blushed a deeper red than she already was once Tori began giggling, having finally caught on to exactly what kind of "movies Jade had been watching."

"SHUT UP…you were away for a month and I...thought the movies would help with my…you know…needs."

"Did they?"

"Not at all…Tori, hear me when I say that porn is so overrated. I mean, seriously, no one was even remotely attractive…not to mention the acting! But that's not the wor-"

"Silly girl…I was only a phone call away…but, now that I'm home, what do you say about me making up for lost time…?" Tori asked.

Jade had never made it to the bedroom so fast in her life.

XXXX

"I mean, she said the words 'penis' and 'vagina' so many times! It was awful!" Jo cried as the other three occupants of the table laughed joyously at her discomfort. The other diners however, were not so keen on the group's discussion. There had already been one complaint…one more and they were out on their ears. Jo leaned into August's embrace, reveling in the warmth and affection he showered upon her…sex or no sex, August definitely knew how to treat a lady…specifically Jo.

"That's nothing," August said, "Kai here decided it appropriate to use…models of an actual penis and vagina during his rendition of "The Talk". Where he got them, I don't know and hope to NEVER find out." August ran a hand through his hair. "And let's not forget what he actually said afterward when his little speech was over…"

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"August…d-don't you d-d-dare…" Kaiten ground out.

"Don't listen to him!" Jess said. "Tell us!"

August stood, careful not to cause any disturbance. He grinned at Jo before returning his attention to the group, puffing out his chest and putting on his best impersonation of his brother-which was surprisingly accurate- August said, "Kaiten said, in the firmest voice he could muster, given the subject matter, 'August…w-w-when you d-do have sex, p-please lock your door. I know you're young and all, b-but the l-l-last thing I n-need to hear is my little brother and h-h-his girlfriend…doing the love dance'. I don't think I've ever been so confused. Hell…not even in Math class…But that…that one took a while to get over." August sat. "I mean I heard a lot of nicknames for sex, but that has to be a new one."

"Yeah…I don't think I've ever heard it be called…that. Kai, where'd you get that from?"

Because seriously…love dance…? That was a new one. Possibly…I think…let's see: knocking boots, banging, shagging, doing the dirty, plowing, screwing. Hmph…no love dance. It is new. Hey, look at that!

"I don't k-know, it just c-c-came to me."

A moment…

Another moment…

"There's a joke in there somewhere."

XXXX

"I'll see you around…Joker."

"You too…Red." Jo swore kissing August goodnight would never cease to amaze her; even after three months, his lips managed to work magic against her own. They part ways shortly after…and somehow managed to keep straight faces as Jess and Kaiten went through their nightly ritual of…baby…talk...urgh!

"I'll miss you, Sweetie Pie."

Gross.

"You too, Muffin."

Seriously gross.

"We'll always have tomorrow, Raindrop."

Jo was going...to…puke.

"Goodnight, Fluffy."

Urgh…make it stop!

"I don't know how they do this kind of stuff, Joker. I mean, 'Raindrop' and 'Fluffy'? What the hell?" August averted his eyes once the pair formerly known as Kaiten and Jess (there was no was either of them would do this normally…something had to be up. Maybe something was slipped into their food or water) began freaking exchanging…Eskimo…kisses. GROSS! Gross! Gross! GGGGRRROOSSSS!

"Okay…break it up. Shut this love fest down!"

Thank God for Jade!

XXXX

"Soooo…how was your date? Jade didn't scare you too badly, did she?" Tori sat at the edge of Jo's bed, ready to tuck the girl in (it was a tradition among the Vega-West household for years and it was not about to stop now). Jo smiled as she fastened the final strap of her knee brace-for once without crying- and lay in her bed. Tori, as always tucked the covers just under Jo's shoulders, completing the action with a goodnight kiss to the forehead.

"I had fun…believe it or not. Jade's "Talk" actually provided a good deal of dinner time entertainment."

"Good to hear…so, I've always been curious, is Jade as crude about things as I think she is?" Tori asked.

"Crude is an understatement…I mean, she said…things, Tori. Things I can never unheard! But…all in all, it wasn't so bad."

"Good…"Tori said. "Sleep tight, JoJo. I have no doubt Jade will try to scare you into perpetual virgin hood tomorrow."

A moment…

Another moment…

"Crap."


End file.
